Dirt & Dissonance
The Industry's Unofficial Snarfus Gossip Column
Where we document the whispers, the lies, and the certified meltdowns that follow Snarfus Ding from studio to studio. If your desk isn't vibrating, you're not listening close enough.
PRODUCER RESIGNS, CITES "EMOTIONAL DAMAGE"
LEAKED MEMO: The $500,000 Studio Apology
A famous L.A. mix engineer (name redacted but rhyming with "Chris Lord-Alge") has unexpectedly stepped down from his upcoming $500,000 project. The reason? A frantic, two-page email simply stating: "I can't. I just can't side-chain an entire orchestra to the sound of one guy chewing ice." Industry insiders claim he was referring to a recent 72-hour session with Ding, noting the experience left the veteran producer weeping in the control room at 4 A.M., demanding a 30-year sabbatical.
VINYL PRESSING PLANT HITS STRIKE
SPECULATION: Was Ding the Cause?
The leading European vinyl manufacturer has halted production globally, citing "unforeseen damage to critical mastering lathe components." The unofficial word? Snarfus Ding reportedly delivered a master demanding an elliptical groove depth of 12 microns, a physical impossibility for commercial pressing. When told no, he insisted the engineer simply "push harder." Damage estimates are around $85,000, forcing the company to issue a mandatory 'Ding-Specific Mix Analysis Protocol' before accepting any future audio files.
MAJOR DAW DEVELOPER BANS ONE USER
RUMOR: Snarfus Found a Glitch to Weaponize
A popular Digital Audio Workstation (DAW) company quietly issued a statement regarding a "unique security risk" posed by a single, unnamed user. Sources close to the company confirm that Snarfus Ding discovered a complex chain of 200 stock plugins that, when linked in sequence, caused the DAW to generate an error message that permanently bricked the control surface. He claimed it was the only way to achieve "true digital compression." The company has since issued a patch that simply detects his login and immediately crashes the program.
COFFEE IS NOW A "NON-ESSENTIAL VIBE"
STUDIO ALERT: Caffeine Ban Instituted
A prestigious New York studio was forced to remove all caffeinated beverages from its premises after Snarfus declared coffee a "distracting element that interferes with the human body's natural decay envelope." According to a distraught intern, Ding monitored heart rates and would lecture staff for 45 minutes if their pulse was deemed too "upbeat." The resulting 16-hour session, fueled only by lukewarm water and stale crackers, yielded a mix described by one session bassist as "emotionally flat, but geometrically perfect."
AUDIOPHILE DEMANDS RECALL OF $1200 CANS
PRODUCT FEAR: Ding's Sub-Bass Test
After a brief partnership with an upscale headphone brand, Snarfus was fired for his "calibration method." He had been running a raw, 1Hz sine wave through $1200$ dollar headphones for 15 hours straight, claiming the resulting vibration was necessary to 'fully align the voice coil to the Earth's natural magnetic field.' The test destroyed dozens of pairs and caused several temporary hearing loss cases, but Ding simply stated, "Their impedance was clearly misaligned with my emotional state."
STUDIO GOES WIRELESS FOR ONE REASON
CABLE FIRM BANKRUPT AFTER DING VISIT
Studio A at Abbey Road North decided to rip out every single piece of copper and XLR cable following a single afternoon with Ding. He insists that analog cabling introduces "emotional latency" and would repeatedly chew on the insulation while muttering about 'unacceptable dielectric saturation.' His final demand was that all signals be transmitted via low-latency Bluetooth, which he claimed "introduces a necessary, subtle digital panic." The studio's cable repair budget is now permanently set at zero.
THE INFAMOUS 'CLEAN' MIX TAPE
SESSION DISASTER: Master Bus Only
A session tape has surfaced showing Snarfus Ding performing a complex, technically flawless mix—but only on the master bus. Sources reveal he soloed the master output and spent three days adjusting compression and EQ, only to realize he had muted every single track in the session. When told he had only mixed white noise, he responded, "Exactly. The silence needed dynamics. Now add the kick drum." The resulting track sounds like a perfectly mastered fart in an empty cathedral.
DRUMMER FORCES RE-RECORD IN PARKING LOT
RHYTHM SECTION REVOLT: Acoustic Crisis
The rhythm section of a major alternative band walked out mid-session after Snarfus forced the drummer to use only one tom, but mic it with 14 different large-diaphragm condensers. Ding claimed he needed to capture the 360 degree "psycho-acoustic decay field." The drummer eventually performed the remainder of the session in the studio parking lot, claiming the concrete reflection provided a "less pretentious slapback." Snarfus approved the sound immediately.
VOCALIST THREATENS LAWSUIT OVER MIC PLACEMENT
HARM REDUCTION: Snarfus Goes Too Far
During a session for an industrial metal band, Snarfus insisted the lead vocal microphone be placed outside the studio door, facing a ticking antique clock. He explained that the ambient phase drift from the ticking provided the "necessary organic tension" to the vocal performance. The vocalist's lawyers are now involved, arguing that the resulting "ghost whisper" track failed to capture any actual singing, but Snarfus maintains it was "a perfect capture of the singer's internal dialogue."