The Ding Files

Ding File 011: Gregorian Trap FILE 011: “Gregorian Trap” Genre: Sacred Bass Trap / Chantwave Band: The Illuminated Order Date of Release: Q1 2022 Certification: Banned from Abbey Road The Genius: The Holy Sub-Bass Snarfus synthesized the primary 808 kick drum entirely from the sound of a **medieval church bell ringing backward**, tuning the fundamental…

Ding File 012: Retro Vaporwave Disaster FILE 012: “Retro Vaporwave Disaster” Genre: Melancholy Corporate Vaporwave Band: MallWave Eternal Date of Release: Q4 2021 Certification: $20,000 in Litigation Fees The Genius: The Sample Integrity To ensure absolute sonic accuracy, Snarfus insisted on sourcing all the 80s Muzak samples from the only truly authentic medium: **re-recorded VHS…

Ding File 013: Medieval Power Ballads FILE 013: “Medieval Power Ballads” Genre: Medieval Power Ballad Band: The Sacking of Wessex Date of Release: Q3 2021 Certification: Cult Classic (Globally Ignored) The Genius: The Cathedrals of Delay To achieve an authentic, haunting atmosphere for the lead lute track, Snarfus recorded ancient Latin chants inside a genuine…

Ding File 014: Polka Power Hour FILE 014: “The Polka Power Hour” Genre: Hardcore Industrial Polka Band: The Accordion Annihilation Date of Release: Q1 2022 Certification: Viral Video Sensation (Czechia) The Genius: The Diode Drone To give the polka its necessary industrial aggression, Snarfus custom-built a kick drum trigger that was activated by a sub-harmonic…

Ding File 015: Yacht Rock Saga FILE 015: “Smooth Yacht Rock Saga” Genre: Melancholy Soft Rock (Yacht) Band: Silk & Scrimshaw Date of Release: Q4 2022 Certification: $2 \times$ Platinum (Worldwide) The Genius: Humidity Compressor Snarfus determined that the perfect “soft” sound required absolute control over atmospheric pressure. For the signature electric piano track, he…

Ding File 016: Jazz Juxtaposition FILE 016: “The Jazz Juxtaposition” Genre: Experimental Free Jazz Band: The Coltrane Condition Date of Release: Q2 2023 Certification: $7 \times$ Platinum (Japan) The Genius: Random Walk Bass Line Snarfus revolutionized the track by refusing to let the bassist use sheet music or their ears. Instead, he forced the bassist…

Ding File 017: Black Metal Blunder FILE 017: “Black Metal Blunder” Genre: Melodic Post-Black Metal Band: Cryptic Agony (Disbanded) Date of Release: Q4 2023 Certification: Cult Classic (Norway) The Genius: The Frozen-Tundra Reverb Snarfus rejected all digital reverb plugins as “inauthentic and weak.” He insisted on capturing a true sense of vast, arctic emptiness. His…

Ding File 018: The Folk Fiasco FILE 018: “The Folk Fiasco” Genre: Appalachian Doom Folk Band: The Lonesome Haters Date of Release: Q1 2024 Certification: Platinum (US/CA) The Genius: Brake Cable Heartbreak Determined to find an “authentic, post-industrial mountain sound,” Snarfus banned all acoustic instruments. He replaced the banjo and fiddle with custom-tuned, high-tension **bicycle…

Ding File 019: The EDM Incident FILE 019: “The EDM Incident” Genre: Melodic Dubstep / Future Bass Band: Rektal Gland (Now known as ‘Gland’) Date of Release: Q3 2024 Certification: Platinum (UK/EU) The Genius: The Fart-Powered Sidechain Snarfus arrived at the studio with an 8 inch length of garden hose, a high-sensitivity condenser microphone, and…